dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
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