Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
