just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
