We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
