He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
