Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
