Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
