great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Randomize
