sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
