if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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