I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Randomize
