oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
This is classic penis vs brain.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Oh god it's open bar.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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