just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
