He disabled his match.com account in front of me
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
