Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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