just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
