Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
