I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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