Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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