Church boner. Awkwardddd
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
We just shotgunned beers for America
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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