she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
