so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
