I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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