Swine flu. Run for my life!
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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