Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
You're like the curious george of whores
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
