My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
