Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
