I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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