i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
do herpes really smell.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
