Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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