thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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