i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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