Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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