If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
