what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
