If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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