I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
