So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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