Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
