i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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