They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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