Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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