dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
