dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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