god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
The best revenge is premature balding
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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