it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
