I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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