does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
My bed smells like the plague
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
