my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
