We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
