for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
