I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
