I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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